A long time ago, back in July of 2010, I sat down with some friends and we came up with some new nomenclature for the sexy stuff you do between the sheets. We renamed “queef,” “doggy style” and “pubic hair,” with far more appealing, accurate names, like “hippo giggles,” “power meeting,” and “plumage.” I think we did a good job, and so did Jezebel. 16 months later, it’s time for round two. So, if you’ve ever cringed when you’ve heard the expression “fingering,” this post may be up your alley (which we have renamed your “optional detour”).
For this list, I thought it best to consult my lady friends, so I reconvened my esteemed panel of Alex, May, Kala and Jamie. Over some rounds of cocktails (I don’t mind bragging—I make the best Manhattan in Manhattan), the ladies let me in on what words gross them out, freak them out and just plain turn them off.
Up first was "missionary," which is oddly traditional You Porn
and makes May think way too much about the nuns in her catholic school. “I want to be made love to, or f*cked silly when I’m on my back…prayer and church should not enter into it,” she says. Well, if you think “missionary” is gross, you should hear what it used to be called before Alfred Kinsey falsely claimed in Sexual Behaviour In The Human Male: the name ” was derived from the position that Christian missionaries decried was the only proper one to use to South Pacific natives. These include “the matrimonial,” and “the Mama-Papa” position. Shudder. Our new name: "Hollywood" style (because only rarely do you ever see a lady on top in Hollywood movies), and "Farmer" style (because we think that sounds funny).
Speaking of nuns and catholic school (at May’s school they had rulers but weren’t allowed to use them), Kala, who likes the odd tap on the behind, isn’t into the word “Spanking.” “I’m like, ‘he slapped my ass’, it’s not like I was five and was misbehaving.” Except that’s exactly what Alex likes about it (Kala had no opinion; Jaime just got red). Split decision: we’ll keep “spanking” but will stay open to alternatives.
We took care of this last time around, with “hippo giggles” but because Porno
the name “queef” is so horrific, we’re taking another stab at it. We needed something not all that funny, but not that objectionable, either (trust me, guys don’t care; we think it’s kind of funny, though not that funny). Hence: "Jimmy Fallon." We’re not going to turn the channel to find Jimmy Fallon, but if he happens to show up while we’re doing something else it’s like, “Whatever,” and then five seconds later you forget about him.
Your ass is not broken, or damaged in any way. It is a lovely, amazing, stunning whole moon. “I like it when a boy traces his finger down the middle” says Alex, “but at no point do I want him to be all ‘you have such a nice crack; I love playing with your crack’. I mean, ew.” Alex prefers “Slice,” which we’re all down with. But Kala thinks that we need something that alludes to the wonderment that is accessible through there. “Cavern of mystery” is too long, and “Fault Line” is too ninth-grade-geography-class. So we’re going with “Ruego,” which is Spanish for “entreat.”